一時的閃念，無關救贖

What if I forgive myself?
預告時因為這一句話而決定看這部電影。
      走出荒野，不止於這一場2000公里穿越PTC的徒步行走，她母親去世，婚姻破裂，吸毒，濫交，懷上父不詳的孩子。人生全盤崩潰。這場旅行只是一個「模糊的想法」，她不知道有什麼意義，只是想去走一走。
       一路上說的最多的詞是fucking. what the fucking cold mash. what the fucking universe. 到後來，94天，20000公里將近尾聲，一本地圖冊終於燒盡，她終於走到了眾神之橋。記憶里母親一直說「you can quit anytime」隨時停止這段路程，隨時停止過去頹廢的人生，隨時重新開始。記憶里母親最喜歡唱「El Condor Pasa」貧窮里一直樂觀善良地向前。
到了最後她說，
What if I forgive myself
What if I was sorry.
But if I could go back in time
I wouldn』t do a single thing differently
What if I wanted to sleep with every single one of those men
What if heroin taught me something
What if all those things I did were the things that got me here
What if I was never redeemed
What if I already was
過去的經歷成就了現在的一切，是誰說的，時間是不可逆流的河。
這本是選給自己的開年電影，一直到今天才拿到片源，熬到深夜，看完全片。其實這也不是一場救贖吧，只是一場經歷。


 片終倒帶摘錄了片尾所有的話：
What if I forgive myself
What if I was sorry.
But if I could go back in time
I wouldn』t do a single thing differently
What if I wanted to sleep with every single one of those men
What if heroin taught me something
What if all those things I did were the things that got me here
What if I was never redeemed
What if I already was

It took me years to the woman my mother raised
It took me four years, seven months and three days to do it
Without her
After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief
I found my own way out of the woods
And I didn』t even know where I was going
Until I got there on the last day of my hike

Thank you, I thought over and over again,
For everything the trail had taught me,
And everything I couldn』t yet know

in four years, I』d cross this every bridge
I』d marry a man in a spot almost visible from where I was standing
in nine yeas, the man and I would have a son named Carver

And a year later, a daughter named after mymother, Bobbi
 
I knew only that I didn』t need to reach with my bare hands anymore
That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough
That is was everything

My life, like all lives,
Mysterious, irrevocable and sacred.
So very close,
So very present
So very belonging to me
How wild it was…

To let it be

任何「經過這件事我得到了救贖」，「這件事之後我發生了巨大的改變」都不過可恥的謊言。沒有誰能給一個理由解釋Cheryl為什麼選擇開始hiking。現實從來不是邏輯嚴謹的小說，太多事情只起緣於一時的閃念。她是否真的從此就告別了吸毒，告別了濫交？沒有人知道。人一生有多少種可能，多少個不確定，多少次反覆無常。我們都說要找回初心，要BE MYSELF，可究竟誰說得清什麼時候的心叫初心，什麼樣的自己叫真實的自己？大概世上所有的初心都是一個樣子的：純真、執著、善良。所有的self也是一樣的：勇敢，自由，自信。 史鐵生說經了這麼一遭我大概弄懂了死是個什麼東西，但卻仍不懂什麼是活。什麼是活呢？天知道。好像我們所有的，都是HINDSIGHT而已。

因此我如此奉行瑪麗奧利弗所說：
你只要讓你溫柔的身體，愛，他所愛的。
你不必善良，不必跪行一百英里穿過荒涼的懺悔。
以上。