If I could

There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another.What leads to what.What destroys what.What cause what to flourish.Or die.Or take another course.What if I forgive myself?What if I was sorry?But if I could go back in time,I wouldn't do a single thing differently.What if I wanted to sleep with every single one of those men?What if heroin tought me something?What if all those things I did were the things that got me here?What if I was never redeemed?What if I already was?...
After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief,I found my way out of the woods.And I didn't even know where I was going until I got there on the last day of my hike.Thank you,I thought over and over again,for everything the trail had taught me,and everything I couldn't yet know...
My life ,like all lives,mysterious,irrevocable,and sacred. So very close,So very present,So very belonging to me.How wild it was...to let it be.